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<nettime> australian govt's anti-terrorism package of advice to househol
ben moretti on Fri, 7 Feb 2003 10:24:14 +0100 (CET)

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<nettime> australian govt's anti-terrorism package of advice to householders

# a light hearted look at the australian govt's latest propaganda from
# john clarke and byan dawe - two of australia's best satirists. the package 
# in question has been posted to every australian household at a cost of
# a$13m with the intention of providing information on terrorism - numbers
# to contact, what to look out for (ie: foreigners doing suspicious stuff) and 
# so on. it is laughable and pathetic and is really there to instill fear and
# paranoia in people's minds so they will accept the government's insane
# position (that of a tongue firmly down bush's trousers). many people are
# posting them unopened back to the govt or prime minister's office as a
# protest of sorts. i have included instructions on how to do this
# following the transcript  - ben

[This is the print version of story 

KERRY O'BRIEN: And, for the last word this week, John Clarke and Bryan Dawe 
examine the contents of the Government's new anti-terrorism package of advice 
to householders.


INTERVIEWER: Mr Howard, thanks for your time.

JOHN HOWARD: Good evening, Bryan, very good to be with you.

INTERVIEWER: I wonder if I could ask you about this terrorist package that 
you're sending out to Australian households.

JOHN HOWARD: Yes, by all means.

I'm not sure that everybody has received the package yet.

INTERVIEWER: Well, I got mine.

JOHN HOWARD: You've got yours, good.

INTERVIEWER: I've got it here.

I wonder if we can just go through it.

JOHN HOWARD: Certainly, yes.

INTERVIEWER: Could you tell me what this is?

JOHN HOWARD: This is just a letter, Bryan, to Australians explaining the 
geopolitical position and counselling them not to worry too much, not to 

INTERVIEWER: Not to worry unnecessarily.

JOHN HOWARD: No, don't be too alarmed.

INTERVIEWER: And what's it called again?

JOHN HOWARD: You can see what it's called.

It's called "Look out!

There's A Terrorist Behind You With An Axe".

INTERVIEWER: And this is a fridge magnet?

JOHN HOWARD: It's a fridge magnet, Bryan, yes.

INTERVIEWER: And what's it for?

JOHN HOWARD: For sticking on the fridge.


JOHN HOWARD: So you don't get attacked by terrorists.

INTERVIEWER: What do terrorists look like?

JOHN HOWARD: See, that's the difficulty.

We don't know what terrorists look like.

This is the point.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Howard, how are we going to avoid terrorists if we don't know 
what they look like?

JOHN HOWARD: Well, they look like anyone else, Bryan.

This is one of the difficulties.

INTERVIEWER: And have you seen any?

JOHN HOWARD: Have I seen terrorists?


JOHN HOWARD: No, I've got a fridge magnet.

INTERVIEWER: So these act like a garlic - 

JOHN HOWARD: They won't come near you if you've got a fridge magnet.


And what's this thing here?

JOHN HOWARD: That's just a whistle, Bryan.

INTERVIEWER: For attracting - 

(Blows whistle) JOHN HOWARD: I beg your pardon?

INTERVIEWER: …attracting attention?

JOHN HOWARD: I don't need to attract attention, thanks, Bryan.

I've got the media where I want them.

It's going pretty well.

INTERVIEWER: What's this thing here?

JOHN HOWARD: That's a disguise - a very good one, in my view.

An excellent disguise.

Everyone will be getting one of these.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Howard, that's a Groucho Marx mask.

JOHN HOWARD: Yes, and a very good one, in my view, Bryan.

INTERVIEWER: And what about this item?

JOHN HOWARD: That is a thing for finding studs in a wall, Bryan, and that is 
obviously a rubber band and that is two tickets to a Frank Ifield concert.


JOHN HOWARD: It hasn't happened yet, but hang on to them.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Howard, you've spoken to President Bush many times.

JOHN HOWARD: Yes, I have.

INTERVIEWER: And what does he say to you?

JOHN HOWARD: Hang on a minute, I haven't finished yet.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, sorry, go ahead.

JOHN HOWARD: Go ahead what?

INTERVIEWER: When you talk to the President, what does he say to you?

JOHN HOWARD: I just told you what he says to me.

INTERVIEWER: I haven't finished yet?


INTERVIEWER: Mr Howard have you asked him how you deal with someone you 
suspect of using weapons of mass destruction when you're using weapons of 
mass destruction - 

JOHN HOWARD: No, Bryan, it didn't come up.

We're discussing things of considerable moment.

INTERVIEWER: Have you also asked him how the UN can act as the ultimate 
authority if someone's telling them what to do?

JOHN HOWARD: Listen to this.

This is not bad.

You'll enjoy this.

Did you hear the one about the woman who backed into an aircraft propeller?


What happened?

JOHN HOWARD: Disaster!

That's quite good, isn't it?


JOHN HOWARD: It's very good, Peter.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Howard, has President Bush said anything logical about the war 

JOHN HOWARD: I don't know, Bryan.


JOHN HOWARD: I've got a fridge magnet.

INTERVIEWER: It keeps logic away as well?

JOHN HOWARD: Why do you think we're sending them out to Australians, Bryan?

That's the last thing we want - a bit of logic in the community.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Howard, thanks for your time.

JOHN HOWARD: Don't thank me, son.

No, put the funny party hat on and we'll sing the song together.



INTERVIEWER: 'Yankee Doodle Dandy'?

JOHN HOWARD: Yep, come on, you're an Australian, aren't you?

(Sings) * Yankee McDoodle went to town, riding on a - * what's that word?


JOHN HOWARD: *..pony, he stuck his head up - * Oh!



----------  Forwarded Message  --------

Return to sender

As you are probably aware, over the next fortnight the Federal
Government is sending a mailout to every household in Australia at a
cost of $13 Million. In this pack is a letter from the Prime Minister, a
booklet on how to help the government "fight terrorism" and your own
personal 'don't trust anybody' fridge magnet.

Many, including Brisbane's Lord Mayor, Jim Soorley, have suggested that
Australians who do not support the Howard government's backing of
America's war should return the package to sender.

This is a way you personally can demonstrate to Mr Howard that many
Australians do not agree with his position, and should be able to make
their own decision. If you agree, I urge you to:

1. Watch out for the package when it arrives and do not open it.

2. Mark it "Return to Sender", or even better forward to:

The Hon? John Howard
Prime Minister of Australia
Parliament House 

3. Add an anti-war message, such as:


or your own personal message.

4. Please forward this email to as many people as you think might be
interested in joining this protest.

Mr Howard's mailout is already on its way to practically every
Australian - but email can still beat it!

ben moretti
bmoretti {AT} chariot.net.au

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