[nettime-lat] Avoiding personal conflict on mailing lists

["Luciano A. Ferrer" <laferrer@bigfoot.com>]

(lamentablemente no hay tiempo ni ganas de traducirlo...)

Avoiding personal conflict on mailing lists
by madhu "madman"

I subscribe to 13 email discussion lists on various topics like web
development, information architecture, experience design, online writing,
etc. I have often seen vicious arguments break out on some of them. Somebody
posts something, then someone else not only refutes that but also calls the
original poster a moron for not knowing better. Pretty soon, many flames are
exchanged, and the rest of the list subscribers are silent witnesses to a
bloody mess. Nobody likes that.

>From observing these battles, I've found some common behavioural  patterns
in all such incidents. The following is my list of suggestions for avoiding
flames and managing conflict on mailing lists:

1.
 Attack an opinion, not the person. This is my golden rule for resolving
conflicts. If, for example, you want to point out that the design of a
person's site sucks, don't also add that you think the person is a clueless
designer. Nobody likes to be called incompetent.

Bad
You're an ass for suggesting that we use ASP on our site
Clearly you haven't read the documentation properly, or you wouldn't be
suggesting this
If another person tells me that Windows is better than Linux, I'll spank him
You are SO wrong!!!
Good

ASP running using HalcyonASP lacks some key features that we need on our
site
In the documentation at http://www.example.com/docs/installation.htm, this
issue has been explained
(just don't start a platform flame war :)
I disagree with you.


2. Avoid sarcasm. Cultural and individual sensitivity to sarcasm varies from
person to person. Forget that silly quote about sarcasm being the highest
form of wit. Remember that mailing lists can have people from all over the
world. Respect their culture too.


3 When you disagree with someone, say just that. "I disagree" is not the
same as "You're wrong". The former is a difference of opinion; the latter
can be construed as a personal attack, even when it's not. When possible,
avoid any "you" statement. Make it an "I" statement instead. The subtle (and
sometimes not so subtle) effect of having "you" in a sentence is that it
puts the spotlight on the person receiving the message. A natural defensive
barrier goes up.


4 When possible, show empathy for the receiver.
Bad: "Why can't you see that this db schema won't scale to support
transactions with thousands of users? I've already told you two times that
it won't work because [reasons]"

Good: "I realise you've thought through this, but I'm not sure this db
schema is scalable for the features we're planning. Here's why: [reasons]"

Believe me, you can never win an argument by starting a letter or email with
a negative stance, even when you're 100% right. The other person's pride
will be hurt, and such a person will fight it out to the death :)



5 Don't be cryptic. Say what you mean, in as simple and straight a way as
possible. Avoid innuendo, implied statements, and stuff like "wtf?",
"*shrug*", etc.


6 When in doubt over what the other person meant, ask him or her. Don't
assume anything. Wars have been fought over assumptions.


7 Humour is always good to diffuse a tense situation. When you suspect that
the other person may misinterpret you, use emoticons.


 Saludos!  Luciano A. Ferrer,  karmacoma de
 http://mearte.com.ar   lista de discusión/difusión  -a+d/cultura/internet-
 luqui00@hotmailCATAPULTALUNAR.com (no mail, sólo msn messenger...)
   -----
... la televisión es llamada un medio, porque nunca está bien hecha



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