Bruce Sterling on Fri, 20 Sep 2002 22:55:47 +0200 (CEST)

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<nettime> a breath of fresh air


Monde et La Merde, September 12, 2002] BRUXELLE -- The storied war cabinet
of the European Union continued to meet today, deep in deliberations on
restoring order to the rapidly deteriorating situation in Florida, U.S.A.
Sources said debate bogged down initially over disagreements over whether
order had actually prevailed in the first place.

EU Minister of Information & Household Appliances Bo Husqvarnaquistholm
from Sweden reported to the group on the present situation: "We have an
across the board breakdown of the state's social and public services.  
The Child Welfare Department has been taken over by people who believe in
flogging disobedient minors. Law enforcement agencies let perpetrators of
drug offenses walk away from arrest. They prefer to focus on conducting
surveillance on houses of prostitution. Election officials are ignorant of
election laws. Election workers are ignorant of how to administer
elections. Governor Jeb Bush is ignorant of the fact that elections are a
state government responsibility. Dogs and cats have begun to try to eat
each other, while alligators are eating them both. Janet Reno evades
apprehension and is liable to eat anything."

Minister of State Stability Sylvio Pecorino of Italy summed up the
governance problem. "Legitimacy of the state has evaporated, given the
debacle of the 2000 election, compounded by this week's repeat
performance. The counties don't recognize the governor and the governor
can't find the counties. We must act to bring self-government to the
workers, peasants, and fisherpersons, both gay and straight. Regime change
is imperative."

Ministrix of Tough Love Helga Von Weinerschlanger laid out the military
options. "We can have an allied force of French Foreign Legion, Swiss
Guard, and Italian Carabinieri there in 48 hours. They can liberate the
state in several days. Then a Dutch Psycho-Active Warfare unit can move in
and dose the population into a state of blissful repose while we mop up
isolated bands of Christian and Jewish fundamentalist extremists."

The Belgian Convenor of the group, Leopoldo Poirot, twirled his linguini
for a moment and asked, "But is it legal? Shouldn't we go to the United
Nations first? Why not start with election inspections? What's Jimmy
Carter doing these days?"

French Minister of Deconstruction and Semiotics Petit Labelle objected,
"Absoluement Pas! If we do the U.S. will automatically veto and we will be
stymied. Meanwhile Floridians will continue to suffer. Better to intimate
broad consensus and promise to form a gigantic 'coalition.' If someone
says nobody supports the action, we say they will really be glad to see us
act, even if they are reluctant to say so."

The Portuguese Minister of Wine and Wool, Vino Verde, offered a
conciliatory idea: "We can have inspections first. We just make sure they
fail; that gives us the pretext to invade."

The only residual issue was the delicate one of finance. The Spanish
Minister of Platas asked, "Our per capita income is lower than
Mississippi's. How can we expect to pay for this enterprise?"

Swiss Minister of Numbered Accounts Franz Lucre replied, "Simple. We drill
for oil off the coast, turn the Everglades into a condominium development,
and nationalize Disney World."

The assembled agreed to have their nationalized television networks
immediately begin to propagandize on behalf of the mission. Dissident
commentators carefully chosen for their flaccidity would be engaged to
argue the anti-EU position, after having the crap kicked out of them for
about forty minutes. Upon completion of the operation, it would be
submitted to the European Parliament for approval.

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