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<nettime> Automadness: Terrors of EM Research (2/2)
brian carroll on Wed, 8 Aug 2001 21:14:38 +0200 (CEST)

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<nettime> Automadness: Terrors of EM Research (2/2)

[Beginning part 2/2]


SPACETIME:  1998-2001

Oakland California Social Security Office is rife with clerical
errors, lost data, lost files, do not answer phones or return calls,
and are chronically overpay, underpay, and at times totally stop
payments, canceling my medical insurance, while i try to work my way
off of the 'support' system.

My PASS Plan for staying employed as a disabled worker was denied by
the San Francisco office of Social Security in the heart of the
dot-com economy, as they could not comprehend why one would needs a
computer at home to work as a web developer and content designer.

The representative went hysterical when i tried to describe how the
multimedia industry is different from the industrial model of work.
To develop content online one needs equipment to do so, and without
it, one cannot keep up their skills, stay competitive, and employed.

Another example of the frustration with the Social Security
bureaucracy is that when i wanted to take on more hours at my job, i
was given the name of a contact to call to find out how much i could
earn, without losing my insurance, and they never returned my calls
after one month of trying to contact them to find out.


Upon reentering the workforce I contact several Social Security
Administration representatives to make the necessary changes in my
governmental support. From this point onward, it became impossible to
work and maintain my health on Social Security, as i would be
underpaid and overpaid and would be in constant crisis while working,
and trying to figure out what went wrong with the bureaucracy became
my part-time job, as public money was being wasted.

Everytime i found the source of the errors, which were entirely
caused by Social Security, i would be charged for the mistakes and
have been submitting paperwork and resubmitting it for 3 years (they
lose it and do not have a central filing system) just to stay
employed. This damaged my health, as working became destabilized by
trying to get off the system and it became obvious that unless i
could work full-time i would end up not able to work at all. which
eventually is what has occurred.

i have contacted the head of the local Social Security branch, my
Senator two times, and others to try to figure what has been wrong.
In the end, i was blamed for all of the errors and now am unable to
even talk with a representative as i am considered a troublemaker for
trying to fix the problem. because i am labeled with a psychiatric
disability any challenge to their logic is seen as my illness and i
have been retaliated against and discriminated against, so the
bureaucratic system can work the way it does without changing, a
familiar theme.

i was both denied the opportunity to work my way off of the system
because of the constant errors in my checks, never knowing if i would
be able to pay rent or not while working, as there was an error in my
file. And also, after working for one year searching for a computer
upgrade with no success, i applied for a savings program but was
denied the right to save money for computer equipment to stay
independently employed because of systemic ignorance of today's
high-tech working world.

The Social Security PASS Plan application forms did not relate to the
digital media industry i work in, and thus i would have had to lie to
get the grant. The bureaucratic representative could not believe that
one needs a computer to work as a web developer. Thus, when my only
computer was recently hacked and corrupted for good, i was unable to
continue working and now am in dire need of a new system to keep
working, continue my research, and remain paradoxically sane in an
utterly insane environment.

i am more disabled since working and being on the Social Security
system than i would be otherwise. It has become a trap cannot escape,
as everytime i try to get out a problem it takes all my energy to
fix, and months pass by...

*	first public statement on Taking Pills (2000)


Social Security denies Waiver for overpayment from a mistake 3 years
ago that I have worked for 3 years to correct. They review no
paperwork, and then tell me i did not provide the data. I believe i
am being targeted for speaking up to their system and calling for a
review of their procedures to fix the problem, as the public is
losing money to a broken system.

Have to quit work because computer was hacked and destroyed and
health is deteriorating with stress and no future. When recently
reporting about my loss of work income, i receive no response after 5
attempts to notify the Administration, but a check for $1.00 US
instead of the regular amount arrives, threatening my ability to pay
rent. Again, for the 2nd time, Social Security has started the
process of taking back money without denying my claim for a waiver or
appeal from a problem generated by their system 3 years ago.

It is too much for me to handle alone now and i have to ask relatives
from out of state to represent me as i can no longer write or talk to
them, or write letters, as it is now totally out of control and
impossible to keep up with, healthy or severely unwell, as i am now.


Develop severe anxiety and panic attacks.

Start becoming allergic to all medicines i am put on, where i develop
hives and welts under my skin. i am put on different drugs and the
same things happen, over and over. As i get sicker and sicker as the
stress gets more and more.

The oddest coincidence is that every time i was ready to work more
hours in an attempt to become self-sufficient something with Social
Security would go wrong that would take 3 months to deal with, at
which point my health would be worse off, and make it impossible to
take on more work as fixing all the problems were a part-time job.

The only choices were to remaining living on Social Security with 500
month or so income from working, per month. else, full-time
employment. anything inbetween these would mean i would likely lose
my housing assistance, health insurance, and supplemental income
should i not be able to pay rent. All or nothing.

after half a dozen serious efforts to get off of the system, i came
to realize this would not happen for me. So i began to restrategize
and focus on my research work as my way out of this situation, even
though all my work is considered illegitimate. To do this i needed a
computer system to both stay employed as an independent contractor
and also to do research work online.

After a one year search for public grants, it is clear i will not be
able to find another computer to stay employed and work on my ideas,
and thus stay sane. i apply for a grant from Social Security to save
for work equipment but i am refused, as i am employed, and cannot
prove i need a computer to do my work online.


SPACETIME: 	Y2K, December 31st 1999 and January 1st 2000


finish and publish roughly ten years of independent architectural
research on the AE thesis website on Y2K. It consists of roughly 100
screens of information detailing the cultural significance of the
electrical infrastructure in architectural terms, for the layperson.

*	AE public launch announcement (Y2K)


*	the Architecture of Electricity (Y2K)


A study of the electrical infrastructure compared in relation to
classical notions of architecture.

at this point it becomes clear that the feedback from JYA of design-l
and cryptome.org about addressing the larger issue of
electromagnetism and not only electricity is where the future of the
architectural research work lies.


The only critical feedback on the project received was regarding the
lack of a religious perspective on the ideas being presented. upon
replying to an e-mail request for why this is so, my work becomes the
focus of a well-known religious warrior whom damns my work as that
for not addressing this issue. subsequently, i receive e-mail
threats, strange phonecalls, and other visitors requiring security



2000, online the Internet

printed in a Hong Kong-based international design magazine.


no one in the field of architecture or cultural research in the USA
will publish nor even read my work, including old student friends,
likely for fear of losing expertise over their version of
architectural reality, by insulating themselves from uncertainty.
Thus, the audience i focus on is everywhere but in the closed system
that is today's USA, unable to adapt to the present.

The specific circumstances which led up to the AE thesis, that is to
say, the story behind the thesis, was left out for the most part, as
the reviewers of family and friends did not like the ending. So it
was rewritten so as to not mention E-Shock. Yet, without that
dimension, it appears just like any other boring work of research,
and just another thing, when it has been so highly controversial as
to be censored and actively dismissed. Thus, it seems appropriate to
put the work in its original context, after having learned that the
process of the work is as important as the work itself, in
understanding it:

*	original unedited AE Epilogue (Nov.1999)


the 'red' texts were left out of the final version in addition to the
images of the electroshock experience because people were so
disturbed by how i connected the experiences as a product of the work
itself, a connection which i maintain is relevant to this day.

After posting the Architecture of Electricity, i wrote a synopsis of
the thesis in an essay which is published by Hinge Magazine in Hong
Kong in the summer of 2000.

*	Electromagnetic Architecture (2000)


this gives me great hope in that it is the first time anyone has
accepted my work. The article was made to be very palatable to a
general audience and yet still is written for architects. This helped
me greatly to believe that someday my work may be seen by others,
outside the total control over information by architectural
institutions in the USA.

also write a poem about the end of the public Internet

*	death of the internetwork (2000)



getting sicker yet, having nightmares often and also panic attacks so
badly i cannot go outside at times. suspected of being complications
from psychiatric pills i was still able to go to a specialist doctor,
whom after months of tests concluded i do have nerve damage which is
highly unusual for a 30 year old person, and then said it will only
get worse with age.

My ability to speak, write, and think rapidly deteriorates, i am
dizzy often, off balance like i may fall over, and am now even more
fatigued to the point of needing to close my eyes during the daytime,
yawning all day, and developing various nervous ticks which appear
during times of stress. My request to see a neurologist is denied, as
there is not enough evidence i may have some more severe problems.

i am told all of my symptoms are that of post traumatic stress
syndrome, previously known as 'shell shock.'



2000-2001, online the Internet. interest and support for my research
work from European and Indian architects


i am contacted by a Swiss architect and asked to write a proposal for
an article in an upcoming special issue of 2G magazine on
Architecture and Energy, published in both Spanish and English. This
opportunity lets me write thoughts about the larger issues related to
the electrical infrastructure as a cultural assemblage and my
proposal is accepted.

Because of my situation, i am unable to accept payment due to the
inevitable loss of housing and healthcare and i am also denied by the
Social Security PASS plan the right to save the money i could have
made to help buy the computer equipment necessary to stay employed in
the multimedia industry, and to continue my work.

i rewrite the essay and make it into a website with graphics and
animations, non-copyright, and instead have to ask for donations of
computer equipment as I cannot risk losing my benefits as i could end
up further institutionalized and even homeless due to the many rules
that conflict with one another and the bureaucrats that decide the
fate of the individual by an illogical economics of institutionalized

During the period prior to launching the project online, my computer
comes under attack, and i need to send out the maps i was working on
for the project and an essay to make my work public, as i fear that
my work may be destroyed before i could get it online.

With some luck, and a public presence, i am able to launch the Seeing
Cyberspace project online to a few e-mail discussion lists:

*	Seeing Cyberspace project launched (7/2001)


after publishing the full-text essay on a three e-mail discussion
lists, there is a large response from the .mil, .edu, .com, .eu,
.org, and .int domains. It is again ironic that so many people "on
the job" from high-profile domains are visiting a mentally insane,
college dropout's work, and makes one wonder why they are visiting.
As i am not getting any better, and weird things are now happening
with my computer and website...

*	interesting visitors during June-July 2001


it then becomes clear i am under cultural attack, not by any one
person, but by a United Statesian cultural ideology that cannot deal
with ideas it does not condone... it seems i am becoming a terrorist
for 'thinking differently' in my own country, and being terrorized
for using my rights as a public citizen...


within hours of posting to the 50 person electronetwork-list at
openflows.org, the USAF central command and LLNL.gov is at the site.

Cryptome.org is the first website to publicly publish the url online.

2G magazine (Spain) publishing in print an earlier essay from late
2000 in a special issue on Architecture and Energy.

paranoia in the extreme sets in. not that it is delusional. But that
the stress makes everything suspect, and it is hard to trust anything.

memory starts to blank out and nerves fire repeatedly as i hang on
during major storms in the mental atmosphere, which have not subsided
for months now. a type of global warming of the brain, it is.



1999-2000, california & online the Internet

openflows.org volunteers to host the electronetwork-list and
so it continues today thanks to their collaborative support

ab-a.net takes over managing the architexturez-list and keeps
it online, which is greatly appreciated


post ideas critical of US Administration' s Energy Policy online and
have several ongoing problems, which completely destroy my ability to
continue working and i feel unable to do anything more to try to
change what is happening...

*	TV Ads on Election Night (11/2000)


*	US Tax Cut = Energy Bailout (2/2001)


*	US Energy Policy (6/2001)


two Topica.com discussion lists i manage, the electricity-list and
architexturez-list, totaling about 120 listmembers, shut down 'for
spamming'. every time i try to send e-mail to the two lists, my
e-mail client, Microsoft Outlook Express, swears at me with an error
message, saying "Stop Fucking Spamming", or something similar, and
stops my posts from being sent off my machine, to the lists. My
dial-up IP address is then blackholed so that i cannot even send
e-mail to topica.com to let them know what has happened to try to fix
the situations.

next, one definite act of physical surveillance is noted, where a
private website with logfile monitoring is visited by a company whose
business sign i was looking at while outside having a cigarette late
at night. i wake from sleep the next morning to find this company has
visited my private website, an event so statistically improbable that
i can only assume that i am under some kind of surveillance from
across the city street.

computer is then hacked into and the soon to be launched
electronetwork.org website defaced. web server e-mail being
monitored, as accounts which post with at random have long download
times (several minutes) while non-accounts on same ISP have no delay.

It is evident e-mail is being read as weird e-mails arrive on mailing
lists and in the guise of spam referring to private conversations and
data from both work and home, on the telephone and online the
Internet. Computer is being remotely manipulated with icons moving
and screen resolution changed, etc. 200mb of information on disks is
lost as a direct result of the attack, including all hyperlinks to
online resources for electromagnetism related to the launching the
electronetwork project. All passwords are corrupted. even my PDA
repeatedly breaks during these very strange events.

In sum, this hack attack stopped all work on the larger
electronetwork.org project, dead on arrival, as it never launched,
when it was planned to, in Spring 2001.

*	The welcome hack (6/2001)


*	system corrupted (7/2001)


*	use caution pursuing EM (7/2001)


*	the welcome mat (7/2001)


my computer is now ruined. The hard drive is corrupted , even after
reformatting and zeroing all data. All programs are corrupted even
after reinstalling. All programs crash, as if they are being shut
down from afar at the most inopportune times... i tried for 1 year to
get grants for a new computer and was unable to. So now i am without
the tools i need to work.

something very fishy is going on, and it seems that the privatized
bureaucratic democracy is breeding fascist elements that are shutting
down any dissenting opinion in order to establish total control...
regardless of democratic law or individual human rights, `even in
(the United States of ) America'.


Under attack, fearing censorship and loss of project data, decide to
circulate the maps being developed for the Seeing Cyberspace project,
to go public with the ideas, as i fear my work will be deleted by
online vandals. Send 4 maps about creating a Public Energy Policy to
100 news organizations and government officials and receive no
response whatsoever.

initially no one in the local believes what is going on until i show
them the cumulative evidence of weirdness with my computer, website,
logfiles, and e-mails.


SPACETIME: 	 1999-2000, San Francisco, California

due to the chaos experienced, and having tried everything within my
abilities to survive, it has become necessary to 'go public' with
this story, as a public autobiography of facts and events related to
working on public ideas which challenge the status quo, and do not
receive any support, but also, now, which are under active attacks
which are trying to shut me down by ruining my equipment, my health,
and my ability to continue on like this...


i try one last time to fit into the system. There was a position for
a content developer at Sea-Change, a George Soros funded organization
for social entrepreneurs. It is based on the concept of using private
capital and resources to serve the public good. highly-qualified, i
was passionate about working with them as a content developer, and
also applying for a grant as a social entrepreneur.

i never got interviewed for the job. nor an e-mail after twice
querying the status of my application. It was as if i never sent in
my application, essays, urls, and ideas they requested. It was as if
i did not even exist, although i knew i was the one for the job. It
is what i believe in. instead, looking on their website two months
later i find that an editor from a well-known non-profit is selected
whose skillset seems to match only 10% of the job description,
whereas my skillset matched more like 90% of the qualifications. That
was my job, and i didn't even have a chance of getting it, for
reasons i have tried to not accept as true. The result is writing
this story as an alternative. i tried to fit in, and, well, it didn't
work. So i'm changing strategies now.

The wealthy and powerful executives of many a corporation lead this
effort to enact social change, to change things for the better.
private industry in service of the public. a great but very
troublesome idea that could work, if its paradoxes were acknowledged
and dealt with openly. That is to say, that the social goals are
public goals, not those of private industry.

This is an essay i wrote for their writing sample on the idea of
philanthropists funding public social entrepreneurs:

*	social venture capital (3/2001)


at the same time i applied for a grant as a social entrepreneur. My
computer being recently hacked and barely operable, i decided it was
time for me to tell the truth, or my side of the story, that of a
public citizen who was working on public ideas on their own, without
any resources, and who would be able to make significant progress
with these goals if given a chance, and some support. i was ready to
make things happen. The fighting spirit was still alive, even though
i was under attack for my ideas online and off.

After one month of filling out and then revising the online
application, the answer to my initial question as to whether or not
one has to be a legal nonprofit is answered contrary to a previous
answer e-mailed to me, and my application was instantly null and
void. i need to be a business, they now said with an apology, to be a
social entrepreneur. In addition to this 'my story' was critiqued as
not being relevant to being a social entrepreneur. As it was my
personal experience. not about the social entrepreneurial ideas, but
about me as a specific and discrete individual. i wrote back to
SeaChange stating that i am my ideas, and these are public ideas.
They are human ideas, and not just private aberrations.

It is so odd to know that others can dismiss as irrelevant the lived
experience. what is a social entrepreneur if not first an authentic
individual human being? my answers to both 'obstacles encountered'
and 'major risks' were viewed as `out of bounds,' it seems. This act
of turning away from the truth, from seeing a human being who is
dying for their beliefs, for the pursuit of the public good, to be
simply dismissed away, even while this life form is in such a
precarious position as to be on the verge of extinction, and to do
nothing but turn away-- it is unconscionable and a horror that our
hypocritical societies of bureaucratic democracies look the other
way, as a holocaust of human rights is now underway reenacted by the
machinery of the world estate.

*	feedback on SeaChange application (7/2001)


request to be taken off of San Francisco based Creative Disturbance
website project for funding artists. having received no responses for
the year my work was on the site, and seeing conservative,
institutional projects get profiled, I asked for removal. vetted as
to why by the director Mark Beam, i respond that i do not want my
work affiliated with an institution that does not serve me. i do not
believe in that the work of creative disturbance is funding is
anything that is challenging to the status quo, but only what the
reigning marketplace wants to legitimate.


Need to cancel my work contract because my health has declined. Not
having an operational computer, and no upgrade path, all work has

can no longer work on the Electronetwork.org project until getting
new, non-corrupted, working equipment.

health plummets as stress level goes higher and higher, to the point
where i cannot even function, such as writing or talking. And a
rational paranoia sets in, as disparate coincidence becomes concerted

between being sick and having my computer broken, i am no longer able
to work, as an employed disabled worker nor on my own research. This
inability to communicate online has been my last hope to move these
public ideas forward. And now i can no longer even do graphics on my
machine, only the most basic e-mail, and even that is now barely



leaving Alameda, Calfornia, USA on
a journey to MontrČal, QuČbec, Canada

when an individual can no longer act with reason, with common sense
logic, with truth of intersubjective facts, with generalist knowledge
of several crucial subjects, and be denied the right to even exist,
then, something is wrong, as one cannot be free if they are only
considered insane because a bureaucracy has labeled them as such.
freedom is replaced by bondage, and as the cancer of a closed and
arch-conservative cultural order, all they can do is disappear, die.
And if they refuse, they are punished, until they submit. And give
away the last remnants of their mind, of their body, to a machinic
desire to destroy all difference by denying any similarity between
human beings, and our shared public endeavor.

The public health system in the USA has actively helped to kill me.
And ignored all evidence that it has done more harm than good. The
teachers in architecture school made sure i was seeing a psychiatrist
when they abused their power by denying all truth which refuted their
subjective beliefs. i got pills and they got their paychecks and
tenure. This too will change. i am no longer going to accept that
individuals who are in positions of power are not responsible for
their actions.

i hope they will change, or leave the University and give someone
else the chance they have denied others.


a free-radical is a highly-reactive atom with an unpaired electron
which is associated with causing cancer, as it can disrupt the way
things ought to work when they are healthy.

So too, in a political sense, a free radical could be someone
operating within a conservative environment where the traditional
order rules, so much so that it may refuse to change, adapt, and
evolve so that it can stay 'healthy'. To survive, it needs to make
sure the potential causes of its cancer go away, permanently, if at
all possible.

*	architecturalizing fascism (2000)


*	American Ruins (2001)


taken to the extreme, traditional ideas can hold back the new, and
create a tension that will eventually be released, through war, art,
and ideas. Whenartists and thinkers and their ideas become 'the
enemy' and terrorize the status quo, then it is an age-old sign that
freedom is in jeopardy, and the ancient and repeating battle is once
again going to be played out on a grand scale.

The most dangerous thing in this environment is not that of an
ideological 'opinions' demanding change, for every ideology can and
will eventually be controlled. Instead, it is ideas, the freedom to
think and interpret which becomes the greatest danger, as Victor Hugo
shared. It is in our ability to think freely, to question, and to
rethink our positions that enables us to change. When we cannot,
then, the predictable will happen again and again, looping back on

*	~~~ fascist network rising ~~~ (June 2001)


it is this dangerous fact which is being denied in the current
cultural order of United Statesism and its world picture. one of the
most disturbing events of my life was watching this years Fourth of
July parade outside my apartment on the main street of the small
island city where i live.

When i saw everyone participating in the parade, which each year gets
more and more surreal in the commercial sense, i realized this was no
longer my country, nor were the rights nor independence celebrated
mine, as they were not only actively denied me, but that in a very
specific sense, my ideas are considered a threat, an enemy of the
status quo that celebrates the country in its current form.

And it made me fear, not the powerful, for they are truly weak. It
made me fear the masses in the bureaucracy whom have to follow the
rules to survive, as they are the first to uphold the skewed ideology
of a broken system. i no longer feel safe living in the USA, as it is
now but a remnant of an idea, now only an ideology that could instead
be called the United States of Apathy or Amnesia or Armageddon.
whatever one calls 'US' one thing is clear, this land is not my land,
and this land is not free. And the blood of our ancestors which
fought to rescue this same idea, this same dream, from its somatic
incarceration from an unimaginative, totally manipulative, and
undemocratic bureaucratic machine of the industrial mindset. With
this sensation in my heart, i wrote the following e-mail to the

*	declaration of Interdependence (July 2001)


as an individual human being, and as a part of the human community, i
demand to see radical change in my life. i will serve no institution
which does not serve me, as a human being. i will not worship 'false
profits' in the guise of doing good, being right, decent, and fair.
The rules have changed my friends. The logic has changed. And now,
those who oppress yet deny, and continue to hold back change, the
ideas and actions which are needed to change the world for the
survival of our human republic, will have hell to pay...

		let loose the dragons,

	     and the world will be in flames.

credit, whether private money, stature, or status, is no good in a
human economy which values public deeds and actions more than selfish
greed, and world class ego building through cultural pyramid schemes.

those who sentence those who dissent this insane system to absolute
cultural death will now face the same bureaucratic machinery as it
strips away the power of the despots whose individual power holds
back the rights of the human public.

you, the Inquisitor, will need to conform to a reality not of your
own making, nor under your own control or authority. You will be
humbled at the power of freedom, of imagination, and love, which
rebels against you and your ignorance. You have chosen to fight a war
over ideas, which you can win only by destroying democracy. And we
will not allow this to happen, for just as our ancestors fell to
their knees, bloody and full of holes, in a pain greater than any
individual can bear alone, so too, in this our first Civilian World
War (CWW) you should now prepare yourself to meet your fate, which
you have chosen for yourself, apart from the rest of the human

This land, the Earth, is our land, this land, the Earth, is free.
This land is sacred, and you defame it. And you defame those who want
to protect it, and ourselves. You will be brought to your knees,
until you kiss the ground and join us.


In the moments before my trip to Canada, to look for work, i am
captivated by an artist's painting at a streetfair outside my
apartment, during the weekend i am writing these last words of this
autobiography of madness. The painting i saw sums up every complex
emotion i feel, every thought i have but cannot convey. It is a
painting by Cherokee artist and Vietnam veteran John Balloue of an
Indian warrior with their flag, standing infront of the American flag,

	* * * Home of the Brave * * *


this painting conjures deep emotional pains of being an individual
human being living within a United Statesist worldview. The ideas i
love and honor are not those of a specific nation, but of a land of
freedom, of the body and the mind. Yet the world remains blatantly
unjust, as people continue to be processed into cultural extinction,
the wilderness within us all paved over with an ideology of fear not
freedom, hypocrisy not democracy, and murder not love.

The United States i will always cherish, honor, and be a part of is
the United States of Humanity. It is an idea about a world that is
free, which cherishes memory, and fights for the liberation of the
unique qualities of all people equally.

we are not machines alone. We are beings, with infinite desires. But
today, we are nothing but tools of an Automated State of Madness. a
place where thinking freely, and being different, is to risk becoming
a terrorist and an enemy of the fascist bureaucratic world estate.

fellow humans. i need your help. let's work together with our unique
skills, and fight for our human right to be free...

	--first we take MontrČal...


physical health is deteriorating from stress and ability to
communicate has become severely limited, as more stress agitates
symptoms of illness, including hives, exhaustion, not being able to
stay awake, confusion, dizziness, etc. Have welts and hives and
antibiotics. making me sicker. Mental Health medicines are making me
sicker. am on the verge of institutionalization and cannot accept
this as a valid option. I cannot go through this scenario again, and
survive. I am losing my ability to act, and my mental capacity by the
day. No computer, I cannot work, on my ideas, to keep me sane, nor
for employment to work my way off the system, which has proven

Have an ear infection and am given an antibiotic. due to earlier
medical malpractice, my immune system cannot accept the drug and i go
into severe shock, an almost autistic state of not being able to

i am nauseous for one month. sick feeling day and night. cold sweats.

collapse in the middle of the night. Have blood in my system. total fatigue.

Can no longer work. Can no longer speak. Can no longer write.

Can not write a check or an e-mail.

Unable to understand anything. Can no longer read.

Unable to comprehend the idea of cooking food.

Unable to get bread to eat.

Not able to bicycle to the grocery, as my eyes cannot look straight
ahead. They are blitzing all over the place.

Unable to stand up, so dizzy.

No longer able to do regular chores such as washing dishes and cleaning.

overwhelming stress. massive fatigue. Paranoia

Unable to concentrate.

extreme toxicity lasts the full month of July, an event i have never
experienced nor could i imagine such symptoms possible in one bought
of illness. My immune system is damaged and i am ill all of the time
now. That much is evident. The public health system says i am not ill
as my blood tests do not have all factors wrongs, to be classified as
an illness. So this must just be in my head. But i can no longer go
along with this charade. As i am dying, my heart is dying in this
fascist state of turning away from the truth and instead towards the
certainty of self-deceit.

i am insane, of course, so i don't know any better. But, i know this.
if i continue to stay in this bureaucratic system i will soon die, as
my body and my mind have already been crushed beyond any hope of
recovery. But my spirit cannot be destroyed by this insane
bureaucratic democracy, by the false-freedom of conforming or being
punished, one in the same thing.


freedom rings. hear the bells, they are calling us to gather...

we must meet soon as time has already run out, and thus we need to
utilize a human psycho-logic to wormhole our way back into our shared
nonexistent future...



2001, Alameda, Calfornia, USA to MontrČal, QuČbec, Canada
30,000 feet, 500 mph, with nowhere to land


i am visiting Montreal, Quebec, Canada, looking for work as a public
researcher, and support for my work through grants, or government or
educational research positions.

Goal: Livable income
Goal: part-time employment
Goal: Quiet workspace
Goal: Sufficient health care
Goal: Dual-citizenship
Goal: Telecommuting to work
Goal: Relocate to Montreal Canada
Goal: Computer equipment for work
Goal: Tools and equipment for research
Goal: Grants for public works projects
Goal: Financing for Electronetwork.org

contact me via e-mail if you are willing and able to contribute to
this public research effort so as to freely educate the citizenry
with ideas that can help facilitate peaceful and rapid change through
our abilities to work together on shared goals.

brian thomas carroll 	human {AT} electronetwork.org

independent researcher, content designer, strategist
please support the electronetwork.org project


please send help as soon as possible. We need to organize the public
to avoid the catastrophe looming on the horizon. people do not have
to die. We can change the system peacefully. We must. We have no
other choice, as wars cannot solve this problem. And the real war
will be on democracy, and our freedom to dissent and to work together
for change...

there can be large-scale cultural change for a sustainable and
democratic human future. And your contributions and collaborations
are critically needed to make this possible. looking forward to
working with fellow humans in serving the needs of the public. into
the future... where we meet again.


To be determined...  currently very ill.

i believe this can change but not in the current circumstances, which
is what has made me write this story out, as it is the first time,
and the last time, i will be able to tell this story. Because i no
longer accept that i am the one who is insane and who needs to
change. i defy this label. i am a human being who is unique. As is
everyone. And it is the system of power and control over ideas that
has to change. i will not serve any institutions which do not serve
me back, as a human being.

In frankenstein, the monster is a result of a doctor and machinery of
the state which made the madness manifest within the individual. It
is time to treat the causes of our cultural ailments, not just the
symptoms of our cultural dis-ease.


return to Electromagnetic Internetwork http://www.electronetwork.org/

no copyright. public domain. 2001

Les faits sont faits.

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